I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
