i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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