I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think pants incapable of making pants work
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
