Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
