Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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