they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
