Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
