oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
