remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
