Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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