you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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