Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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