1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
