Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
