why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
