I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
