just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
