i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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