A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
