I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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