I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
