He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
