it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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