The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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