a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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