First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
