This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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