Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Randomize
