Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
