420 ftw
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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