i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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