im about as happy as oj after his trial
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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