I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
