I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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