I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
