toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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