I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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