My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
