Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Even my vagina gasped.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
