so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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