And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
