Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I have aggressive nipples.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
