I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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