Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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