dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
