Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
