UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
