I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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