alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
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