Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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