My sheets look like a crime scene.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
